Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Problem

I've a problem.
It's that I don't know when to let go.
I'm such a dependent person, much like an obligate parasite. I can't function without another human being. We're all that way, I guess. 

I get clingy & desperate. Be it a project or a person, I fail to realize the time when irreversible damage has occurred, when it's time to say I did my best but it didn't work out so goodbye, good riddance. I fail to realize that the limb is beyond salvaging. The limb could be rotting & you'd find me clutching it tightly anyway, through the fetid, moulding smell, through the decay, I'll keep holding on until it has decomposed. Until there's nothing to hold onto. 

When is the right time to let go? To set free? To say goodbye to toxic people & useless projects? Is there a scale I can use? Can someone teach me when/how it's done? Cause it hurts. It hurts being the one left behind. It hurts being the one who wouldn't let go. It hurts because I won't let myself free. 

Monday, 6 February 2017

Brick by Brick

In the books, almost half-way in, something goes wrong in a big-big way, and that's when the character realizes he messed up, that he needs to stop slacking, and get his shit together before the book ends. Up until then, the character has no clue that he'd been doing something wrong, or maybe he does, but doesn't pay attention or plays the blame game. But this, this moment, where everything around him collapses, forces him to realize where or how he was wrong. Or how he could have done things differently.

I am a slacker, and I always blamed it on my surroundings. Didn't have too much sleep, not feeling well, my friends aren't going to college, you get the idea. These are common woes of a student. But being so lethargic that your college attendance is 40%, that is not common. That is a problem. Especially if the remaining 50% was because of late mornings and laziness. Especially if the attendance has been 40% for the entire duration of the course, 4 years.

If this were a book, something major must have happened sometime during these 4 years. Maybe it did. Maybe I just didn't care enough when my friends made other friends and stopped calling me, when I was always ill prepared for classes and exams, but I just kept going through it. Late nights, lazy mornings, repeat.

So what drastic change happened to make me see how/where I went wrong? Nothing really. Nothing major. I missed another important class today, and it just disgusted me. Disgusted me so much that I couldn't help but feel ridiculous about how lazy I've been. How I've procrastinated and procrastinated, never to do what I had set in mind. Sure, bullet journal helped, but what can a to-do list do when all a person wants is just-one-more-day-to-chill before getting serious. I've had enough chill days and 11 am mornings. I'm disgusted. I'm exhausted. I just feel useless. I feel like a big plop of waste. And I'd love to stop feeling this way. I'd love to take the reigns in my hand and give some direction to the confused child trapped in this adult body. I don't want to wait to see another relationship collapse, another exam go to waste, another morning filled with regret. I just want to yell "enough is enough" at my reflection in a mirror.

Changing habits takes time, it takes patience, it takes determination, "brick by brick" as Kaz Brekker would say. Brick by brick I'm going to change this lazy, lethargic person and make something out of her. Maybe this disgust will fade away & my old habits will seduce me into the cozy, comfort that comes from the known and repetitive. Maybe it'll take more than ten wake-up calls to turn proactive. I'll take the maybes, I'll take the disgust, I'll take the reality checks, wake-up calls, broken relationships and I'll turn them into early mornings and productive days, into fewer regrets and happier hours.
Carpe Diem.

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Monday, 9 January 2017

Bujo setup 2017

It's a new year, full of new possibilities, notebooks, coloured pens, memo pads, bullet journaling spreads...well, you get the picture, right?

It's a new year, old journal kind of situation for me, with exams right around the corner, it seems quite appropriate. Without further ado, here are my spreads for 2017,




I'm loving all the positive response my journal spreads have been getting, thank you sooooo much for all the messages. I'll try to share as many bullet journal ideas as I can. Also, Happy 2017, you guys! May this year be kind to us all <3

What are your resolutions for the year?

Thursday, 5 January 2017

The Year That Was 2016

The year I earned my first paycheck,
The year I discovered bullet journaling,
The year I got a kindle.
The year I got to go on a semi-solo trip, a first.
The year I met Raves and the Puffs,
(so grateful for having them in my life)

The year I had some of the best breakfasts,
The year I learned how to cook biryani amongst other things,
The year my obsession with chai began,
The year I started appreciating poetry.
And youtube.
And dark chocolate.
And comfy pillows.
And scented candles.(although I don't own any yet, soon hopefully)
And early mornings.

The year I experienced profound bliss and utter disappointment.
The year I bawled my eyes out. Literally. And so many times.
The year I understood what living in solitude actually means.
The year I had my last day of college.

It was bitter-sweet, 2016 feels like the part in a story where everything is building up to the main climax, be it in terms of college or personal life, and 2017 is where all the action is going to happen. I'm nervous, anxious, terrified, the reality that college life is *almost* over hasn't sunk in yet, and adapting to change isn't one of my best suits. This is vv scary, you guys!

So, 2017 please be decent to me. Please be more sweet to bitter. Please have more pink and teal colored days to gray, I've had enough of gray days&nights for a year. I'd like some 5 am light now.
And please, please, please, give the things that started in 2016 a chance to breathe, a chance to live and a chance to thrive.
Don't crush them, not just yet.


To 2017, the year of climax, cheers.
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P.S: For those of you interested in my year in books, you can check them out here.
 

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