Wednesday, 21 June 2017


I've a problem.
It's that I don't know when to let go.
I'm such a dependent person, much like an obligate parasite. I can't function without another human being. We're all that way, I guess. 

I get clingy & desperate. Be it a project or a person, I fail to realize the time when irreversible damage has occurred, when it's time to say I did my best but it didn't work out so goodbye, good riddance. I fail to realize that the limb is beyond salvaging. The limb could be rotting & you'd find me clutching it tightly anyway, through the fetid, moulding smell, through the decay, I'll keep holding on until it has decomposed. Until there's nothing to hold onto. 

When is the right time to let go? To set free? To say goodbye to toxic people & useless projects? Is there a scale I can use? Can someone teach me when/how it's done? Cause it hurts. It hurts being the one left behind. It hurts being the one who wouldn't let go. It hurts because I won't let myself free. 

Monday, 6 February 2017

Brick by Brick

In the books, almost half-way in, something goes wrong in a big-big way, and that's when the character realizes he messed up, that he needs to stop slacking, and get his shit together before the book ends. Up until then, the character has no clue that he'd been doing something wrong, or maybe he does, but doesn't pay attention or plays the blame game. But this, this moment, where everything around him collapses, forces him to realize where or how he was wrong. Or how he could have done things differently.

I am a slacker, and I always blamed it on my surroundings. Didn't have too much sleep, not feeling well, my friends aren't going to college, you get the idea. These are common woes of a student. But being so lethargic that your college attendance is 40%, that is not common. That is a problem. Especially if the remaining 50% was because of late mornings and laziness. Especially if the attendance has been 40% for the entire duration of the course, 4 years.

If this were a book, something major must have happened sometime during these 4 years. Maybe it did. Maybe I just didn't care enough when my friends made other friends and stopped calling me, when I was always ill prepared for classes and exams, but I just kept going through it. Late nights, lazy mornings, repeat.

So what drastic change happened to make me see how/where I went wrong? Nothing really. Nothing major. I missed another important class today, and it just disgusted me. Disgusted me so much that I couldn't help but feel ridiculous about how lazy I've been. How I've procrastinated and procrastinated, never to do what I had set in mind. Sure, bullet journal helped, but what can a to-do list do when all a person wants is just-one-more-day-to-chill before getting serious. I've had enough chill days and 11 am mornings. I'm disgusted. I'm exhausted. I just feel useless. I feel like a big plop of waste. And I'd love to stop feeling this way. I'd love to take the reigns in my hand and give some direction to the confused child trapped in this adult body. I don't want to wait to see another relationship collapse, another exam go to waste, another morning filled with regret. I just want to yell "enough is enough" at my reflection in a mirror.

Changing habits takes time, it takes patience, it takes determination, "brick by brick" as Kaz Brekker would say. Brick by brick I'm going to change this lazy, lethargic person and make something out of her. Maybe this disgust will fade away & my old habits will seduce me into the cozy, comfort that comes from the known and repetitive. Maybe it'll take more than ten wake-up calls to turn proactive. I'll take the maybes, I'll take the disgust, I'll take the reality checks, wake-up calls, broken relationships and I'll turn them into early mornings and productive days, into fewer regrets and happier hours.
Carpe Diem.


Monday, 9 January 2017

Bujo setup 2017

It's a new year, full of new possibilities, notebooks, coloured pens, memo pads, bullet journaling spreads...well, you get the picture, right?

It's a new year, old journal kind of situation for me, with exams right around the corner, it seems quite appropriate. Without further ado, here are my spreads for 2017,

I'm loving all the positive response my journal spreads have been getting, thank you sooooo much for all the messages. I'll try to share as many bullet journal ideas as I can. Also, Happy 2017, you guys! May this year be kind to us all <3

What are your resolutions for the year?

Thursday, 5 January 2017

The Year That Was 2016

The year I earned my first paycheck,
The year I discovered bullet journaling,
The year I got a kindle.
The year I got to go on a semi-solo trip, a first.
The year I met Raves and the Puffs,
(so grateful for having them in my life)

The year I had some of the best breakfasts,
The year I learned how to cook biryani amongst other things,
The year my obsession with chai began,
The year I started appreciating poetry.
And youtube.
And dark chocolate.
And comfy pillows.
And scented candles.(although I don't own any yet, soon hopefully)
And early mornings.

The year I experienced profound bliss and utter disappointment.
The year I bawled my eyes out. Literally. And so many times.
The year I understood what living in solitude actually means.
The year I had my last day of college.

It was bitter-sweet, 2016 feels like the part in a story where everything is building up to the main climax, be it in terms of college or personal life, and 2017 is where all the action is going to happen. I'm nervous, anxious, terrified, the reality that college life is *almost* over hasn't sunk in yet, and adapting to change isn't one of my best suits. This is vv scary, you guys!

So, 2017 please be decent to me. Please be more sweet to bitter. Please have more pink and teal colored days to gray, I've had enough of gray days&nights for a year. I'd like some 5 am light now.
And please, please, please, give the things that started in 2016 a chance to breathe, a chance to live and a chance to thrive.
Don't crush them, not just yet.

To 2017, the year of climax, cheers.

P.S: For those of you interested in my year in books, you can check them out here.

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Is this what useless feels like?

Have you been following the Syrian war? Are you aware of the current situation in Aleppo?

I feel helpless and burdened. I feel useless and ashamed.
I keep reminding myself that it isn't a book, not a heart-breaking historical fiction novel, but real current happenings.
How does one live with that? How do you go about brushing and eating, knowing that babies were burned, that kids were being treated without anesthesia, that women slit their own wrists for fear of being raped, that even though people are being evacuated, they have nowhere to stay, that even though the war is "over", we failed as human beings. How?

How do we continue to live knowing that a genocide took place while we were alive and we did nothing to stop it. Mere breathing feels wrong. 

Friday, 14 October 2016


He asked me why my need for approval is so important? Why am I obsessed with being accepted by everybody, appreciated even. Why does it bother me to death when somebody speaks ill of me or judges me?
What could I say? Before this day, I'd never realized my craving for approval. I don't come from a dysfunctional family. My parents love me and have always had my back. I had the best of what they could provide, and most of the times, it was much more than I could ask for. They never said no to things that mattered to me, in fact they tried to understand my point of view even when they rigidly were against it. They accept me for who I am. They respect my thoughts, opinions, and views. Family is not the etiology here.
So I've been asking myself innumerable times after he first posed the question that summer night, why is my need for approval so important? Why can I not come to terms with the fact that not all people are going to like me. I question myself every time somebody is mean to me or when they exploit my goodwill or when I'm alone at night counting back names of all the people who don't hold a good opinion of me. How does it matter? I know it doesn't. I know it doesn't. I wish I knew it doesn't.

Picture Courtesy tumblr.

Monday, 3 October 2016

September Wrap Up

Turns out juggling final year of medicine and book challenges is harder than you'd imagine. Wait, I'm sure you know it's hard, that was just me trying to be all naive and freakishly optimistic.

Ahh well, although the number of books I've been able to read this year is getting meagre by the day, I'm still proud of the fact that I'm squeezing enough time to read. Yes, I've reached a place where reading for at least 15mins a day has become a luxury, so let's not talk about numbers, shall we?

FYI, that's not a building, it's a pile of books

If you must know, I've read 25 books so far, 5 in September. That's a good enough number for now. And because I find 5 an exceedingly above average number, a wrap-up post seemed like a sane thing to do. Here are my Hum Panch of September:

1) Harry Potter and The Cursed Child by J.K.Rowling: Yes, I joined the party pretty late, at least I arrived (despite the mixed reviews and spoilers), that must count for something. 10 points to Hufflepuff, please (for being the loyal ones). I can sum up my Cursed Child experience in one word, and mind you, I've chosen the word as carefully as Voldy chose jewellery for his horcruxes, and that word is underwhelming. As I've already established, I'm a hardcore Hufflepuff, so my loyalties to Hogwarts, to JKR, to all the characters is preventing me from openly expressing my umm..disappointment? But my lovely Slytherin mate Varsha has reviewed this book over at Fictional Fortress (a book club-blog we run) and I found myself nodding to all of her views and commas and full stops. You can check it out here if you're interested. A 3/5 from me.
A photo posted by Shonazee (@ofinkandpages) on

The next three reads were for #MissMarpleReadathon, an exclusive Agatha Christie-MissMarple readathon, started by fellow Hyderabadi Bookstagrammers in an attempt to make me fall in love with the Queen Of Mystery. It has no deadlines, whatsoever. Whenever you're feeling low, in need for some fast paced action, just pick a Miss Marple mystery and join us!

2) The Murder At The Vicarage by Agatha Christie: I was sold after reading this book. It was so different from all the thrillers and murder mysteries I've read. I heart the climax, I would give it the best climax award if I could. The murder of the not-at-all-loved-unanimously-hated/tolerated Colonel Protheroe occurs in an otherwise dull village of St.Mary Mead. Many people seem to have a motive, but there isn't enough evidence. A series of false arrests. Who killed Protheroe? A 4/5 read.
A photo posted by Shonazee (@ofinkandpages) on

3) The 13 Problems by Agatha Christie:
One Tuesday, a mix of experienced, young, influential people gather at Miss Marple residence to discuss murder mysteries. One person narrates what has happened and others are to guess the answer. Miss Marple shocks them all by making back to back right guesses. Some of these are such mind-boggling mysteries, they will leave you numb. It basically is a collection of 13 short stories. another 4/5 read.

4)The Body In The Library by Agatha Christie: I couldn't guess the culprit. I just couldn't. But some how the end seemed way too far fetched. But hey, it makes good mystery so no complaints. 3/5.

A photo posted by Shonazee (@ofinkandpages) on  
Yes, I get most of my reading done while travelling 

5) Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur:
A collection of poems compiled under four headers, loving, hurting, breaking, and healing. These poems are raw with emotion. They are accompanied by rough sketches drawn by Rupi Kaur herself. I just love it. I love all the poems and the sketches, the raw emotions, and the crisp words. I've bookmarked several pages and highlighted what's remaining. I've read them so many times, I can eloquently quote the book. They are written in a very simple language but carry such force within them. If you're looking to indulge in poetry, this makes a fine start. A must read. Definitely my FAV read of this month. 5/5.
A photo posted by Shonazee (@ofinkandpages) on
 That's that. Overall, a good reading month, I daresay.

For lengthy reviews or a peek at my tbr, friend me on Goodreads or Instagram. We could talk about murder mysteries or the pain of losing a loved one or the disappointment of a long-awaited book in your beloved series. I'm always up for a good talk!

What books made to your favourite pile this September? Which book/movie would you give best climax award to? 

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